June 2012
9 posts
1 tag
I feel as though my heart is trying very hard to beat. I don’t know why, and I know that it actually isn’t, but it feels slower than usual and I can feel it more than usual. It’s funny because when I thought about that feeling, the lyric “I can hear your heartbeat, I tried to find the sound” rang into my ear because I am listening to Cosmic Love over and over again....
“I drag myself out of nightmares each morning and find there’s no relief in...”
– (via fuckmodernfairytales)
Today I woke And my spirit was gone Still on the shore Where he truly belongs
1 tag
I was silly and put a ‘bandage’ (a paper towel with a hair elastic and a rubber band to secure it) on my cuts, giving them basically no air to heal over and now my shirt has been sticking to it all day long, and despite my attempt to cleanse them, they’ve little hairs and pieces of lint stuck in them, and they’re not healing over and they’re not even bleeding but...
1 tag
I’ve spent the past hour cutting and patting my cuts with paper towel. They haven’t stopped bleeding, so I’ve made this bandage out of paper towel, a hair elastic, and a rubber band. I’m now laying in warm bed sheets that I took from the dryer about twenty minutes ago and I’ve been thinking very much of overdosing. I want so badly to do it but I happen to be a person with terrible luck, and so I’d...
May 2012
82 posts
1 tag
Today I cut, after not cutting for lord knows how long. I can’t remember the last time I cut (it must have been at least two weeks ago, not more than a month, which I’m positive of, as I remember cutting the night before my birthday), but I’d ceased to do it for enough time that all but one of my scars have healed over. Some scars are fading while others remain, and meanwhile,...
Binged and purged an assortment of crap earlier this evening. I’d like to sayy that tomorrow will be purge-free but whenever I don’t purge, my body takes the opportunity to say, “you are shit, fuck you, (etc.)” and I gain weight. I don’t care about whether the weight is ~permanent. I’ve weighed this much for far too long.
I’ve a schedule written down of...
1 tag
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Yesterday I came home from Beth’s, having eaten previously two hours before, and feeling as sick as a dog for over an hour of that time. I kept quiet about that, of course.
Once i arrived home I was selfish enough to binge again. I tried ever so hard to purge as much as I could, to the point in which I were so disoriented that I didn’t really have much control as to where...
Tomorrow I am going to Beth’s house, she’s going to invite me to stay for dinner and then her mom will feed me pasta. It’s always pasta. Why not some greens? I may be a vegetarian, but that doesn’t mean that I live exist off of pasta. I never eat pasta because a) I can never properly measure the amount of calories and b) it has too many calories anyway and c) I can’t...
1 tag
esurient:
i want to look in the mirror and see someone who doesn’t look disgusting and out of control and huge and incompetent and ugly.
2 tags
I like don’t even have hips so my sides are just straight down and my hips are like less than three inches wider than my waist (that’s likely also due to my protruding, fat stomach) and I can’t wear high-waisted shorts, jeans, etc without looking like a boy.
About a half hour ago I was cleaning my guinea pig’s cage and found that he wasn’t able to move his hind legs, and his bottom was filthy from not being able to move away from his waste. When I went to give him a bath I found that there were some strings of hay entangled around his left hing leg, cutting off the circulation from his leg. His leg is completely swollen, raw, and smells of...
Two days binge and purge-free and all I’ve done is gain weight. It’s a bit funny because tonight I was hunched over the toilet, vomiting, and I thought to myself, “I’m doing better,” I said that to myself as I had my head in the fucking toilet, as I desperately jabbed my hand down my throat in attempt of ridding myself of a few more ounces of food, nutrients,...
Leaving in just under an hour to pick Beth up and then go to Rockingham to clothes shop with her, my mom, and sister. Wearing a large silky black button-down, grey leggings, and platform wedges in attempt to make my legs look even the slightest bit thinner, which is failing. I’ve gotten so much fatter, (90.0 lbs today, BMI of 16.5) just when I didn’t think it were possible.